Find Myself
by Seductive Venus
Summary: They're twin brothers. What does it take for them to realize that enmity doesn't reside between them?


Disclaimer: I do not own Shaman King. Wish I did though.  
  
Hi!!! Well, this one is not a fluff but something. shall we say 'soul- searching'? It's about Hao and Yoh talking together with no one-on-one battles. As in brother to brother and not shaman to shaman. well lots of OOC abound, I'm sorry for that. I guess Hao IS too soft here, hehe... sorry that there's no romantic rivalry too; maybe later. I dedicate this one to da*mouse and SakuraLily who inspired me from the fanfics, Broken Mirror and Shards of a Broken Mirror. There's still mirrors here though *sweatdrop*.  
  
~*~  
  
Find Myself  
  
By: Dark Hooded Eriol the Magician  
  
The day was dark and lonely. He was sitting, alone at the foot of the hill. His cloak was wrapped around him to keep him warm from more than the cold wind. His eyes blinked slowly as he sighed. The sky was darkening and it was about to rain, but Asakura Hao did not move. He stayed.  
  
He looked up to see the mesmerizing dance of the rain clouds and a few droplets fell to his face. A sad, tired smile slipped to his lips as he lay down the rock he was sitting on and closed his eyes.  
  
Hatred and loneliness, anger and sadness these were the most prominent emotions that lingered in his mind, in his heart. Even though he said to feel is to be weak, he cannot deny that he can still feel the frantic beating of his heart. Those lingered in the remnants of his long-forgotten soul.  
  
Hao knew he was going to be drenched in the rain and he used Spirit of Fire to transport them to a nearby cave. It was cool and dark in the cave and it shielded him. He sat down at a smooth rock whose base was polished by age and lit a fire from nothing. Water was trickling and it made small streams on the walls, made puddles on the floor.  
  
He glanced and saw his other half. Asakura Yoh.  
  
The smiling face flashed past his mind. The younger twin always smiled, always. Hao smiled a sinister yet sad smile. His smile was not as pure and sincere as his brother's. It would never be like that; they were after all very different from each other.  
  
Yoh. He was being made stronger by his fiancée, by the beautiful Kyouyama Anna. But it was no matter; he was still the stronger of the two. No matter how many times Yoh trained he will never amount to as much as Hao was unless he had lived 500 years ago just like him, which is next to impossible.  
  
Hao stared at the clear water puddle that reflected his image. Long dark hair, eyes the color of night, and lips curved in a small pout. They looked the same, him and Yoh but they were not the same.  
  
Though they were identical twins, who were both conceived by Asakura Keiko, they did not share a bond that was supposed to be as strong as chains. Yet a mysterious link connected them, as if Yoh could feel what Hao was feeling and Hao the same. But differences separated them, something as great as good and evil.  
  
It was so because Hao was sinister and powerful, the Asakura family scandal. He had killed so many and possessed forbidden magic, used to his own intentions. Yoh, on the other hand was as good as Hao was evil; his kindness and gentleness was a legend like his fierceness in protecting the ones he loved.  
  
It would have been much simpler if he had joined me, Hao thought. Then we won't be as obstructed as we are now. No more of those weaklings blocking my way.  
  
He shook his head. But that was next to impossible. Yoh was resolute in defeating him and he was well aware of the goodness that radiated from his brother, the so-called Warrior of Light. He belonged to the hearts of so many friends and to a family, and Anna. Yoh had so much more to lose than him. He had given so much of himself to others.  
  
Hao smirked; his little brother would amount to nothing if he continued that. His powers would be wasted if, if and only if, he became the Shaman King. But he was sure no one would win over him, no one. Especially his little brother, Asakura Yoh.  
  
The rain drizzled and he stared at the fire. His fire. It was the power he had known since forever, since his first coming to the world. Those days back then, when he had only been the first Asakura shaman to be turned away, it was already HIS Spirit of Fire. The spirit had taken care of him and they took care in killing the many shamans who refused to join him.  
  
Ah, how he hated the world. Ever since his first life, all he saw of it was the bitterness and hatred that angered his heart. It was a valid reason to mass-execute, he decided. So only the true shamans should exist.  
  
"'Nii-san? Are you here?"  
  
It was the last person in his mind and his voice surprised him slightly but he dare not show it.  
  
He calmly turned and faced the mirror image of himself. "Well, well, well. If it isn't my little brother Yoh," Hao said, letting sarcasm drip from his voice. "Are you here for a challenge?"  
  
Yoh smiled lazily. "No 'Nii-san, I'm here because I wanted to."  
  
Hao's eyebrow rose. "Why?" he asked suspiciously. Call me 'big brother'? For those times we have never shared. why?  
  
The younger twin sat beside his twin brother and showed him the dampened patches of his shirt. "I sensed you here, and since Anna doesn't expect me 'till five I decided to come. And got caught in the rain, it's like a storm."  
  
Do you not fear me? Why not, Yoh?  
  
"Oh. Well, after the rain stop go home to the Asakura compound. Maybe we'll have a shaman fight sometime later if I catch you lingering." Hao warned; technically he wouldn't let his little brother go under ordinary circumstances especially if Yoh didn't have his haru-same and main spirit. The only thing that stopped him was that Yoh meant no harm and was expecting the same from him.  
  
Yoh grinned gratefully. "You have nothing short of murder in mind for me?"  
  
"I resisted the temptation." I won't hut you now. It's cowardly to do so.  
  
"Oh." Yoh said slowly. He stared around the cave entranced by the clarity and accuracy of the reflections. His eyes roved on the stalactites, wandering.  
  
You are so naïve Yoh. I wonder sometimes if you are really worth killing. Maybe, maybe not. I do not know. Maybe I shouldn't know.  
  
Yoh's eyes stopped on the smooth wall that acted as a mirror and showed his and his twin's images. They looked the same. Except for the sadness tugging at Hao's lips, seen in his dark eyes.  
  
"'Nii-san?" Yoh asked. Why do you hide it from me?  
  
Hao didn't answer. He stared at the differences, scrutinizing the images. His brother was relaxed and happy, if not, unbothered. Him. he was serious, cool. and sad. Sad to be supposed to hate him, his little brother forever as long as no one won the Shaman Fight.  
  
"I-I suppose you can't tell me why." Yoh started uncomfortably. "Why you hated me."  
  
Hao looked at him and wondered where he got that insight. He knew Yoh was never an empathic person and possessed no such power and he, Hao, could hide his feelings ultimately.  
  
"Why you killed so many. and suffered so much." Yoh continued his eyes saddening. "'Nii-san, I know someday we will fight. A fight that will decide the fate of the world, and ours and I do not know whether I'll be able to stand up to you."  
  
Why are you telling me Yoh? I can't understand. You shouldn't be telling me your fears.  
  
"But I know I will give my best. I will fight until my last breath." Yoh said as he smiled optimistically. I will fight to try and change your purpose in life. Will you let me, 'Nii-san?  
  
You have matured, my brother. Hao thought grimly. But rest assured I won't be easy on you. We both have been taught to fight, until our last breaths, until the very end.  
  
"You always seem to know yourself." Hao told him. "Always confident that everything will be alright."  
  
"I don't know myself," was the simple retort. And you don't know yours too, 'Nii-san. Hao.  
  
An eloquent brow rose again. "I see. And why is that?"  
  
"I still have to know who I am, what am I to this world, my importance." Yoh replied as his brows knitted together thoughtfully, "I don't know myself. I was told to be the Shaman King, to be Asakura Yoh. But questions still seek answers; who am I? Why am I here? Whom can I love and trust? Who shall I hate?"  
  
True enough Yoh. You are smarter and perceptive now. You don't need my powers to accomplish that.  
  
Silence reigned between them though howls of the raging wind shattered it. The rain was almost subsiding outside, the sun was coming out.  
  
"'Nii-san?" Yoh asked.  
  
"Hmm," he answered. What is it that bothers you? Even though I want to look into your mind. I feel I can't, I can't intrude on your thoughts.  
  
"Am I supposed to hate you?"  
  
Such a simple question. But no such answer. Hao quieted and stared at him long and hard before answering solemnly, "Hate me if you would; love if you could, my little brother. I know no answer for it."  
  
Yoh laughed easily. "That's a good answer, 'Nii-san."  
  
"I've lost parts of myself before. Little by little I still lose it, like a mirror shattering, except it continues, even now. I don't know if over time there would be any of me left to save. Will you even hold a broken mirror though you know you could hurt yourself?" Hao asked quietly; his hands played with a jagged rock. "Yoh, can I count on you to catch my pieces and save me from my own destruction?"  
  
The younger twin nodded silently. ""Nii-san, I will."  
  
Then save me now.  
  
Hao listened for a moment and smiled to him. A smile for Yoh that was pure and sincere, posing a vulnerability not shown before. "The rain is over. You can go back to your home."  
  
Be careful Yoh. I may hurt you too. As I have hurt countless others though their faces remain in the shadows of death. I know I am not worthy to ask for this but. help me find myself again.  
  
Yoh smiled back. "Thank you, 'Nii-san. I'll see you again." Although he knew that when they would meet a battle might occur and further the gap more between them; he grinned to him sincerely. I'll help, I'll always will.  
  
Hao watched his brother walk away and then he called again, softer now. "Yoh!"  
  
The boy turned and looked at him, waiting. .  
  
"Don't tell anyone else about this. Let this be our secret."  
  
Yoh nodded emphatically. He waved goodbye and gave one last smile before disappearing from the mouth of the cave.  
  
Hao sighed. Yoh, the only person who might understand him was also the only person who can stop him. In a fancy, he cut his palm with the rock and let the blood flow slowly down his wrist and into the water, turning it blood- red. It hurt but because he hurt, he was alive.  
  
He looked at his reflection and threw the rock away. Whatever it might be, his soul or himself, was not lost because of Yoh.  
  
~*~  
  
[091103; 10:23 pm]  
  
This is my first Hao and Yoh fanfic. I mean, them talking as brothers might be really weird. But please send me reviews/questions/suggestions/anything! I still want to know if everyone wanted me to go on. Well, this fanfic is filled with OOC but technically, I haven't really watched Hao-sama and haven't heard his voice much less know him so I think that can be a valid excuse. Sorry. Well, I got to go, it's very late and I still got school tomorrow. Take care of yourselves.  
  
Love from, Eriol-chan.  
  
P.S. How do you edit your biography here in FF.Net? Pls. help me! (^.~ ); 


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